Work/life balance can feel like an impossible struggle. There’s a good chance that you are pursuing a balance of these two things–whether you think it should be 50/50 or some other breakdown, odds are that you see these two ideas as opposed and at battle with each other. The idea is that there should be an achievable balance between the work you need to do to achieve your goals and everything else that falls into the general bucket of life (and if you’re honest, you’re not sure if you’ve ever really achieved that balance). You really want your life to be the most important thing, but at the same time you really like to work (and you probably have to work even if you don’t really like it). Striving for a balance between work and life means that you don’t put work before what’s important and also helps ensure you can come from a place of overflow, not burn out or scarcity.
You want to love your people well and you want to show up for the meaningful parts of life. You want to rest, have adventure, make memories, support the people you love, experience the heartbreak, be out in nature, eat delicious food–quite simply, you want to live. You feel the wonderful gift that life is and you want to experience every bit of it. But you also know you have a purpose–a light to let shine in the world. You really want to serve others through your gifts–people you love and people you’ve never even met. You are for other humans and want to connect. And this purpose needs you to do some planning, manage some projects, show up and do the work. You have a gift that comes through your work and goes out into the world, making it a better place. You know your work is a way you serve others well. You’re determined and excited to bring your vision to life because nobody else can but you.
Maybe you feel guilty that you like to work so much and are constantly trying to find balance out of guilt. Or it feels like work and your life are enemies, intent on battling each other to the death. You set big goals for your work, and then life comes around picking a fight. Somebody gets sick, the car breaks down, the doctor sends you a bill from your last visit that takes you four phone calls to figure out–it feels endless and sometimes hopeless. Or you find yourself at the mall, shopping for a prom dress for your daughter and are laid out by the reality that she only has four more months under your roof–how can you possibly focus on work when your life is passing by before your eyes? It feels like you can’t win–both your work and your life demand 100% of what you have to give. How can you balance these two desires that feel so urgent: being present in life and working to serve others?
Trying to balance doesn't work
So you flop between thinking life is too short and work isn’t what’s important or life is too short to not pursue your goals. You find yourself feeling discouraged, like you’re missing out no matter what you do, like you can’t possibly win this impossible game. You think that if you could just find the magic time management system or finally get your act together, then you could get everything done. So you pull yourself up, download the newest to-do-list app, and try again–only to find yourself feeling even more overwhelmed than before because it’s still the same old stuff to do no matter how fancy it looks on your phone. You’ve heard all about “saying no” but you look through your list and you truly can’t see what you can possibly cut out or “say no” to. Above all, you often find yourself just feeling totally and utterly exhausted. And everyone knows there’s no better cure for complete exhaustion than pulling out the phone and scrolling. Or worse–whatever bad habit you’ve picked up along the way.
And what happens? You take distracted action, half-hearted “I don’t believe this can even work action,” or sometimes no action at all. The dishes pile up, the phone calls you need to return pile up, and your deadlines pass by without the results you know are capable of achieving. You feel like you’re constantly playing catch up and you’re desperately trying to keep all the plates spinning without breaking too many of them. You find yourself snapping at your loved ones and playing small at your work. You feel like you really aren’t successful at work or at life. This is not balance–this is war.
What got you into this will not get you through. You need a new way of thinking. And I’d like to suggest that you start by accepting the reality that there is no such thing as work/life balance. Your work and your life? They are one and the same. There is no battle, there are no sworn enemies, “there is no spoon” (I’m a huge Matrix fan so you’ll need to get used to these references).
It's all the same thing
All of your life can be considered work and all of your work can be considered life. It’s completely normal that you feel alive when you set massive goals and work on the projects connected to your purpose. This is a great thing for you and the world! How can it be just work when it gives you so much life? How can this be your “life” when all it feels like sometimes is more work? It’s also normal to want to play and rest and walk the journey of life with the people around you in a way that isn’t connected to moving a goal forward but is instead about savoring the gift of life. And honestly, sometimes the way we want to show up for people takes some work. So again, they really are the same thing. And once you can truly see that, you can get rid of the guilt. And once you can get rid of the guilt, everything changes.
I said this is war, and it is. And the battle is really between values and vision. If work and life feel opposed, it’s likely because you are operating out of certain ideas about what life or what work should look like. When your life and work don’t look like you think they should, it’s pretty typical to feel guilt. A lot of times, however, these ideas really aren’t even our own–they’re ideas and messages we’ve picked up along our journey. If we aren’t careful, we can let our choices be dictated by someone else’s values and ideals instead of our own. What we believe is how we will act. Taking the time to understand what you are for and what your values are will make it so much easier to plan your days, your work, and your life. It will eliminate so many conflicts and will give you the stamina you need to push through when you have a lot going on at once. So how do you win this? You don’t. You call a truce. You can’t have a vision without values.
"You can't have a vision without values."
How? Whether you are conscious of them or not, everything you are working towards is based on a value–either one you have intentionally chosen or are operating under without realizing it. There is no room for operating out of guilt in your life if you have done the work to understand what your values are and how they support your purpose and your vision. And make no mistake–as you try to reconcile these two ideas, there is an attack from the side at all time: there is a war being waged against you. Resistance will always show up when we try to use our gifts to bring light into the world. The enemy of Resistance is absolutely working against you and does not want you to know your values and therefore your purpose and vision. Because once you know your values, purpose, and vision–you are unstoppable.
So where to begin? First, let go of the idea that there is balance to be had and that you are failing at having it. Instead, focus on defining your values so you can understand how the many moving pieces of your life and work can exist together and can be prioritized by operating from your values. Looking at your to do list when you know your values will make you feel empowered because there’s no more guilt. It takes bravery, strength, and determination to operate from your values and you can feel encouraged knowing you aren’t just being reactive but instead are coming from a place of intentionality and informed choice. Wouldn’t you rather know you chose everything on your list instead of feeling helpless and put upon? And when you feel informed and empowered, you are much more likely to stick to your boundaries, including your deadlines. You’ll find it easier to choose between a “life event” and a “work event” because you know that life and work are the same and so it’s really a matter of which events is more aligned with your values, purpose, and vision. It won’t always be a simple choice, but it will always be intentional and informed. And all those desires to serve people well, enjoy life, grow your vision? You’ll be making progress with every single decision because anything on that list is part of your vision. You get to celebrate progress every single day of your life.
Take some time this week to sit down and write out your values. Make some space to think deeply about what you are for and how this will impact your life, including your day-to-day actions. If you’re struggling with how to find your values and write them out, we’ve got you covered: use our Finding Values worksheet. It’s a guided worksheet that will walk you through how to find your values, write them out, and use them daily. Trust me that this practice will be incredibly illuminating–I’m always amazed by how easy it is to get caught up doing things that really aren’t even in line with my values simply because I feel bad or guilty.
"There is no battle or balance between your life and your work--you really can have it all!"
Isn’t this great news? That there is no battle or balance between your life and your work–you really can have it all! It’s just a matter of knowing your values and letting your values inform your vision. The best part of all is that you can start today–right now, in fact. I’d love to hear from you–shoot me an email and let me know your values and how you’re going to start using them to write your to do list. Let me know where you’re dropping guilt, putting down the plates, and taking back your life and your work. Because becoming brave and building a meaningful life is just making a plan and working the plan. And I know you can do that.